well that didn't go as planned

this week was terrible. i havent made it to bed by 10, i havent made it to class except tuesday, things are getting worse

i feel i'm failing at life.

i strive for perfection and yet stop myself from coming close
if i try and fail, it'll be worse then not trying at all? yea b.s.

ugh. i have to be up in 7.5 hours. i'm going to fold laundry and watch cnn first.

i work 32 hours next week, have to cancel 2 drs appts, and have to attend class each day. ooh what fun.

Billy let me know how much he hates his job. i want to get him out of there, i hate that he has to work to support us in a job he can't stand, he hates going, hates being there, its not where hes meant to be. i'm going to focus my prayers on that for now. his job and my mental issues. i can't pray for everyone. i can however focus on whats bugging me the most.

lord help me.

going to sleep by 10 is hard.
waking up for class is harder.
not going to class and wasting a day is the hardest.

i suck. i'm a mess. i feel guilty and worthless.

i'm going to blog each day this week. and recount of what i did, how i felt, what happened, what took place, etc.

today i slept through classes. i woke up and did some cleaning, cooked a meal, had 3 bites, watched tv with billy, had dinner with g-rents, ate over half a pizza, talked to jason, came home, read a magazine and did some laundry.

i feel lost, like something must be wrong with me. i have to go study and make the bed.
more tomorrow?

the title of this blog is ironic.

energy. ha, something i have none of
and life? i have no control of mine, it controls me at this point.
and love? it comes and goes. i'm not sure how i feel on that one.

i lost it today, bawled my eyes out the 15 minute drive home from my dads.
usually i dont know why i cry, but this time it was a mass amt of things, from upsetting my dad and chicky by a 'joke' that kind of wasnt a joke, to talking about my finances and my happiness and where i'm going in life and agh.
no one thinks my husband is mature. he's a boy. he does stupid things, it does NOT mean he doesnt work his butt off to provide the two of us a house to live in with amenities most newlyweds 'dont have' ie "luxuries" like internet. he works his butt off. he shouldnt have to work at home to. however he should realize i cant do everything and he needs to carry SOME responsibility, i have no problem keeping inside the home clean, but he has got to help with outside work and heavy/hard work that i can't do

and kyle i dont even want to speak about kyle. sometimes, he makes my life miserable. but not always. and yes, i'd love to not live with him. it'll be a happy day when i move out.

why do i feel like i have no control of my life? i wake up, go to school, go to work, clean the house, do my homework and go to bed, and press repeat. i goto church on church days (if im not working) i volunteer, i offer my help, i often dont say no. i avoid things, and then stress about them, i skip class and then beat myself up about it.

i don't know what i want, i don't know how to fix it, i don't know what can make it better, i don't know if this is it. all i know is i'm not happy, and i'm also not depressed. so what am i?

maybe i was looking for answers at the doctors, maybe i'm actually crying out for some help, for something to be wrong and for it to not just be me. i'm begging for more to life than this.

help me.

so, christmas is ok, but santa can be confused with jesus. you just need to have the right focus on christmas. i'm going to guess easter is the same way with the bunny. oh how this ruins my childhood.

bleck. i don't know how i feel about this. i almost want to stand against it all because i can, and i have before. but i see why you wouldn't have santa, and the easter bunny, but it also makes your kids need to grow up so much quicker, bc you can't allow them to go to school and tell other kids santa doesn't exist. so they need it to be explained to them and they need to understand that they don't talk about santas non-existence in school, or you'll have those parents mad at you. its such a lose lose situation. i get it all. it makes sense, i understand. but then you have hypocritical people saying they are against halloween and all it stands for, but watch harry potter movies. UM HELLLO!!! then theres the people who are so against it they won't let their own children dress up as princesses and superheros and go to your fellow neighbors house (with your supervision) and get candy because it represents evil.

seriously. it's not a problem with my self. it's a problem with the fact that i'm going to raise my own children one day, and these are some major issues i'll face.

time for some dinner before work.

so halloween is against my religion? what's next? agh. i totally get it has bad roots, but its such a highly publicized and highly talked about day, and you want your kids to not dress up and go trick or treating? your not going to give kids in the neighborhood candy? seriously? i grew up going to sunday school, knowing about christian faith, and now they tell me its wrong and evil and we can't have anything to do with it? not that its a huge problem, but i always dressed up, i always went and got candy, and now your telling me i'm a bad person for doing it? really? ugh.

so, i had a bagel and a bowl of mac and cheese today. that'll prob be everything. weigh down soon? maybe? i need to lose weight.

and i want to get involved in church more. i want to expand the food pantry, there has to be such a need for it in this area. i want people to know it's there if they need it. i want to expand the kids gift giving at xmas time, and donate to families in need. oh. gifts are prob against the religion, i'll check on that next.

don't get me wrong, i love God. and He is wonderful and amazing and is alwaysssss there for me. He answers my prayers and i believe in Him.

but abortion? gay marriages? Halloween? some of these more 'social' things, i know God is working on me. but i really can't see the point to some of this. people go to far sometimes. bleck. how am i supposed to raise my kids as good christian children when i'm going to have other mothers of the church telling me i'm doing evil bc we go trick or treating. really? harvest parties aren't a bad idea though.

i'm gone.

if i just write, and keep writing, i might be ok.
am i depressed? is this lack of energy, drive, motivation, etc depression? am i just lazy? can i fix it on my own? do i need to see a doctor?
why do i keep drinking soda? why can't i say i'm going to do something, and then actually do it?
Why don't i want to sleep with my husband? why dont i miss him much?
why am i asking so many questions? ugh. i need to regain control. or something like it.
at least i made it to sentences.
i wanna start weigh down.
i wanna have sex with my husband.
i wanna enjoy my free time.
i wanna get good grades in school.
i wanna have energy.
i wanna feel how i felt at the retreat
at my wedding when billy kissed me.
at myrtle beach with my husband.
at any good memory of my life.
i want to feel something. anything. all i do is sleep and do what i need to do.
LORD HELP ME. PLEASE. i don't know what to do, i feel lost and unworthy. i need guidance, i need assistance. i need help. i don't know how to ask for help.

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy =]

it's only april first... 15 pounds lost! God is wonderful.

On the other hand, i feel like i gave up on responsibility and, quite frankly, don't care to do anything about it.

it's nice, until i get slack for it...or am forced to do something...like work. must be nice to not have to work... last week i worked non-stop! bleck. needless to say...

i have to get back into the swing of things, whether i want to or not =[
time to ask God for some more help... i always need his help
He keeps doing such wonderful things for me though, like giving me the motivation to make my phone calls, to work on Avon a bit, and he's helping me not worry about my money, it's all in his hands, so i really shouldn't stress about anything.

so my to do...
enjoy tonight
go to work friday morning
enjoy my friday night
work all day saturday
enjoy easter vacation for two days =]

i have to work on the enjoying part...so many little things i'd like to do, i just need to DO them.

oh, and i love my fiance...he's simply amazing <3