this week was terrible. i havent made it to bed by 10, i havent made it to class except tuesday, things are getting worse
i feel i'm failing at life.
i strive for perfection and yet stop myself from coming close
if i try and fail, it'll be worse then not trying at all? yea b.s.
ugh. i have to be up in 7.5 hours. i'm going to fold laundry and watch cnn first.
i work 32 hours next week, have to cancel 2 drs appts, and have to attend class each day. ooh what fun.
Billy let me know how much he hates his job. i want to get him out of there, i hate that he has to work to support us in a job he can't stand, he hates going, hates being there, its not where hes meant to be. i'm going to focus my prayers on that for now. his job and my mental issues. i can't pray for everyone. i can however focus on whats bugging me the most.
lord help me.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Monday, November 1, 2010
going to sleep by 10 is hard.
waking up for class is harder.
not going to class and wasting a day is the hardest.
i suck. i'm a mess. i feel guilty and worthless.
i'm going to blog each day this week. and recount of what i did, how i felt, what happened, what took place, etc.
today i slept through classes. i woke up and did some cleaning, cooked a meal, had 3 bites, watched tv with billy, had dinner with g-rents, ate over half a pizza, talked to jason, came home, read a magazine and did some laundry.
i feel lost, like something must be wrong with me. i have to go study and make the bed.
more tomorrow?
waking up for class is harder.
not going to class and wasting a day is the hardest.
i suck. i'm a mess. i feel guilty and worthless.
i'm going to blog each day this week. and recount of what i did, how i felt, what happened, what took place, etc.
today i slept through classes. i woke up and did some cleaning, cooked a meal, had 3 bites, watched tv with billy, had dinner with g-rents, ate over half a pizza, talked to jason, came home, read a magazine and did some laundry.
i feel lost, like something must be wrong with me. i have to go study and make the bed.
more tomorrow?
the title of this blog is ironic.
energy. ha, something i have none of
and life? i have no control of mine, it controls me at this point.
and love? it comes and goes. i'm not sure how i feel on that one.
i lost it today, bawled my eyes out the 15 minute drive home from my dads.
usually i dont know why i cry, but this time it was a mass amt of things, from upsetting my dad and chicky by a 'joke' that kind of wasnt a joke, to talking about my finances and my happiness and where i'm going in life and agh.
no one thinks my husband is mature. he's a boy. he does stupid things, it does NOT mean he doesnt work his butt off to provide the two of us a house to live in with amenities most newlyweds 'dont have' ie "luxuries" like internet. he works his butt off. he shouldnt have to work at home to. however he should realize i cant do everything and he needs to carry SOME responsibility, i have no problem keeping inside the home clean, but he has got to help with outside work and heavy/hard work that i can't do
and kyle i dont even want to speak about kyle. sometimes, he makes my life miserable. but not always. and yes, i'd love to not live with him. it'll be a happy day when i move out.
why do i feel like i have no control of my life? i wake up, go to school, go to work, clean the house, do my homework and go to bed, and press repeat. i goto church on church days (if im not working) i volunteer, i offer my help, i often dont say no. i avoid things, and then stress about them, i skip class and then beat myself up about it.
i don't know what i want, i don't know how to fix it, i don't know what can make it better, i don't know if this is it. all i know is i'm not happy, and i'm also not depressed. so what am i?
maybe i was looking for answers at the doctors, maybe i'm actually crying out for some help, for something to be wrong and for it to not just be me. i'm begging for more to life than this.
help me.
and life? i have no control of mine, it controls me at this point.
and love? it comes and goes. i'm not sure how i feel on that one.
i lost it today, bawled my eyes out the 15 minute drive home from my dads.
usually i dont know why i cry, but this time it was a mass amt of things, from upsetting my dad and chicky by a 'joke' that kind of wasnt a joke, to talking about my finances and my happiness and where i'm going in life and agh.
no one thinks my husband is mature. he's a boy. he does stupid things, it does NOT mean he doesnt work his butt off to provide the two of us a house to live in with amenities most newlyweds 'dont have' ie "luxuries" like internet. he works his butt off. he shouldnt have to work at home to. however he should realize i cant do everything and he needs to carry SOME responsibility, i have no problem keeping inside the home clean, but he has got to help with outside work and heavy/hard work that i can't do
and kyle i dont even want to speak about kyle. sometimes, he makes my life miserable. but not always. and yes, i'd love to not live with him. it'll be a happy day when i move out.
why do i feel like i have no control of my life? i wake up, go to school, go to work, clean the house, do my homework and go to bed, and press repeat. i goto church on church days (if im not working) i volunteer, i offer my help, i often dont say no. i avoid things, and then stress about them, i skip class and then beat myself up about it.
i don't know what i want, i don't know how to fix it, i don't know what can make it better, i don't know if this is it. all i know is i'm not happy, and i'm also not depressed. so what am i?
maybe i was looking for answers at the doctors, maybe i'm actually crying out for some help, for something to be wrong and for it to not just be me. i'm begging for more to life than this.
help me.
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