i'm going to start out saying i'm thankful we live in a country where we have free speech.
not so thankful that this right gives people the ability to protest at military funerals about how God hates america because we support gays and that is why these military people are dieing. SAY WHAT?!?!
ick. anyhow.
i'm thankful for my husband, my pets, my calmed down life.
i applied for a full time job to day. a bit scared, but hopeful!!! =]
i'm thankful most of all for a loving God that cares for me, and only wants the best for me in all that i do.
Thank you Jesus.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
A Recap, and Weigh Down Wednesday!!!
I withdrew from school last week. It felt wonderful. This break is needed. I plan on going back by the end of the year, maybe sooner. I'll be going to an online school.
Zumba has been awesome. Only one more week though =[ I think i'll buy the Wii game.
Had a night of fellowship with the ladies last week, only watched a movie, no chit chat. A bit disappointed, but the video was great. It's wonderful to be able to hang out and have it cost nothing at all. =]
I'm trying to figure out what to do about work. I will be changing my availability, but I don't know if i want it to be open or not.
anyways. WeighDownWednesday!!!!
Starting over a year ago, I have been on a constant journey with God about my food issues. I don't classify myself as an emotional eater, a binge eater, and certainly no eating disorders. HOWEVER. I eat. I eat a lot. It tastes good, gives me something to do with my hands, and mmmm, it's just so easy to go grab something yummy and eat it.
But that doesn't help me live a healthy life. That doesn't make me feel good about myself. That's not benefiting me in any way. So i'm trying to watch what i eat. I'm not going crazy, but if I am not hungry, THEN WHY AM I EATING FOOD?!?!?!?!?! ick. it seems so simple. it should be simple. BUT, it is not.
So i'm Weighing Down. and I'm talking about it on WEDNESDAYS. I'm at 160 today. if you look down through my old blog posts, you will see I'd like to be around 130. (Wouldn't it be nice....)
So I haven't done to good with the am i hungry thing the past few days. But i'm trying. its a daily struggle. But with God's help, I can do it. and that's enough for me. =]
It's quite simple. I eat when i'm hungry, i stop when i'm full, i eat foods that are beneficial to me. I can eat anything, anytime. But i'm choosing not to.
Back tomorrow for some Thankful Thursdays =]
Zumba has been awesome. Only one more week though =[ I think i'll buy the Wii game.
Had a night of fellowship with the ladies last week, only watched a movie, no chit chat. A bit disappointed, but the video was great. It's wonderful to be able to hang out and have it cost nothing at all. =]
I'm trying to figure out what to do about work. I will be changing my availability, but I don't know if i want it to be open or not.
anyways. WeighDownWednesday!!!!
Starting over a year ago, I have been on a constant journey with God about my food issues. I don't classify myself as an emotional eater, a binge eater, and certainly no eating disorders. HOWEVER. I eat. I eat a lot. It tastes good, gives me something to do with my hands, and mmmm, it's just so easy to go grab something yummy and eat it.
But that doesn't help me live a healthy life. That doesn't make me feel good about myself. That's not benefiting me in any way. So i'm trying to watch what i eat. I'm not going crazy, but if I am not hungry, THEN WHY AM I EATING FOOD?!?!?!?!?! ick. it seems so simple. it should be simple. BUT, it is not.
So i'm Weighing Down. and I'm talking about it on WEDNESDAYS. I'm at 160 today. if you look down through my old blog posts, you will see I'd like to be around 130. (Wouldn't it be nice....)
So I haven't done to good with the am i hungry thing the past few days. But i'm trying. its a daily struggle. But with God's help, I can do it. and that's enough for me. =]
It's quite simple. I eat when i'm hungry, i stop when i'm full, i eat foods that are beneficial to me. I can eat anything, anytime. But i'm choosing not to.
Back tomorrow for some Thankful Thursdays =]
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
maybe blogging can help
i feel i have to write something. do i say how i feel? do i try to get a different perspective? do i just 'encourage'? i don't feel like encouraging.
i want friendship, i want to call to say OHMYGOODNESS you won't believe what i saw today, or AH billy's bugging me (and not feel judged)
i constantly feel judged, like i'm not living up to people's expectations. it's stressful, i only need to live for God, no one else. nothing else. just God. but i continuously forget that. ALL THE TIME i forget that.
on the bright side--- i'm looking at food as a source of energy, not as something to do (for the most part that it, i stil just want food cause i can sometimes) the fast helped, super processed foods kind of gross me out. God provided food for us to survive, not to enjoy and indulge in. I can eat what i want, when i want to, and i can have more later if i want, i just don't want to eat just anything, all the time, right at that moment.
i can enjoy my fries with ketchup, stop when i'm full, and know that i can get more when i'm hungry again, i don't need to finish the whole plate at that time, I CAN STOP EATING WHEN I WANT TOO! it's empowering, and i'm so happy that God revealed this to me after my fast. it's not a list of can't(s) to eat properly, it's a list of i can(s). and it's not losing weight, it's not 'dieting' it's eating properly and living a healthy life. it's almost ridiculous how 'common sense' -like all this is, but it's the truth, we as a people over eat and indulge and it's bad for us. yet we do it anyway, bc it tastes good at the time and we deal with it later.
School is stressing my out, too much work on top of my actual job working at gap. maybe a new job, or time off is needed, i need the motivation for school, i don't have it. i shouldnt even be blogging, i should be doing school work.
ugh. i need to be more positive again, i need to have fun again.
bright side- 21 NEXT WEEK! WOOOOOOOT!!!
i want friendship, i want to call to say OHMYGOODNESS you won't believe what i saw today, or AH billy's bugging me (and not feel judged)
i constantly feel judged, like i'm not living up to people's expectations. it's stressful, i only need to live for God, no one else. nothing else. just God. but i continuously forget that. ALL THE TIME i forget that.
on the bright side--- i'm looking at food as a source of energy, not as something to do (for the most part that it, i stil just want food cause i can sometimes) the fast helped, super processed foods kind of gross me out. God provided food for us to survive, not to enjoy and indulge in. I can eat what i want, when i want to, and i can have more later if i want, i just don't want to eat just anything, all the time, right at that moment.
i can enjoy my fries with ketchup, stop when i'm full, and know that i can get more when i'm hungry again, i don't need to finish the whole plate at that time, I CAN STOP EATING WHEN I WANT TOO! it's empowering, and i'm so happy that God revealed this to me after my fast. it's not a list of can't(s) to eat properly, it's a list of i can(s). and it's not losing weight, it's not 'dieting' it's eating properly and living a healthy life. it's almost ridiculous how 'common sense' -like all this is, but it's the truth, we as a people over eat and indulge and it's bad for us. yet we do it anyway, bc it tastes good at the time and we deal with it later.
School is stressing my out, too much work on top of my actual job working at gap. maybe a new job, or time off is needed, i need the motivation for school, i don't have it. i shouldnt even be blogging, i should be doing school work.
ugh. i need to be more positive again, i need to have fun again.
bright side- 21 NEXT WEEK! WOOOOOOOT!!!
Friday, November 5, 2010
well that didn't go as planned
this week was terrible. i havent made it to bed by 10, i havent made it to class except tuesday, things are getting worse
i feel i'm failing at life.
i strive for perfection and yet stop myself from coming close
if i try and fail, it'll be worse then not trying at all? yea b.s.
ugh. i have to be up in 7.5 hours. i'm going to fold laundry and watch cnn first.
i work 32 hours next week, have to cancel 2 drs appts, and have to attend class each day. ooh what fun.
Billy let me know how much he hates his job. i want to get him out of there, i hate that he has to work to support us in a job he can't stand, he hates going, hates being there, its not where hes meant to be. i'm going to focus my prayers on that for now. his job and my mental issues. i can't pray for everyone. i can however focus on whats bugging me the most.
lord help me.
i feel i'm failing at life.
i strive for perfection and yet stop myself from coming close
if i try and fail, it'll be worse then not trying at all? yea b.s.
ugh. i have to be up in 7.5 hours. i'm going to fold laundry and watch cnn first.
i work 32 hours next week, have to cancel 2 drs appts, and have to attend class each day. ooh what fun.
Billy let me know how much he hates his job. i want to get him out of there, i hate that he has to work to support us in a job he can't stand, he hates going, hates being there, its not where hes meant to be. i'm going to focus my prayers on that for now. his job and my mental issues. i can't pray for everyone. i can however focus on whats bugging me the most.
lord help me.
Monday, November 1, 2010
going to sleep by 10 is hard.
waking up for class is harder.
not going to class and wasting a day is the hardest.
i suck. i'm a mess. i feel guilty and worthless.
i'm going to blog each day this week. and recount of what i did, how i felt, what happened, what took place, etc.
today i slept through classes. i woke up and did some cleaning, cooked a meal, had 3 bites, watched tv with billy, had dinner with g-rents, ate over half a pizza, talked to jason, came home, read a magazine and did some laundry.
i feel lost, like something must be wrong with me. i have to go study and make the bed.
more tomorrow?
waking up for class is harder.
not going to class and wasting a day is the hardest.
i suck. i'm a mess. i feel guilty and worthless.
i'm going to blog each day this week. and recount of what i did, how i felt, what happened, what took place, etc.
today i slept through classes. i woke up and did some cleaning, cooked a meal, had 3 bites, watched tv with billy, had dinner with g-rents, ate over half a pizza, talked to jason, came home, read a magazine and did some laundry.
i feel lost, like something must be wrong with me. i have to go study and make the bed.
more tomorrow?
the title of this blog is ironic.
energy. ha, something i have none of
and life? i have no control of mine, it controls me at this point.
and love? it comes and goes. i'm not sure how i feel on that one.
i lost it today, bawled my eyes out the 15 minute drive home from my dads.
usually i dont know why i cry, but this time it was a mass amt of things, from upsetting my dad and chicky by a 'joke' that kind of wasnt a joke, to talking about my finances and my happiness and where i'm going in life and agh.
no one thinks my husband is mature. he's a boy. he does stupid things, it does NOT mean he doesnt work his butt off to provide the two of us a house to live in with amenities most newlyweds 'dont have' ie "luxuries" like internet. he works his butt off. he shouldnt have to work at home to. however he should realize i cant do everything and he needs to carry SOME responsibility, i have no problem keeping inside the home clean, but he has got to help with outside work and heavy/hard work that i can't do
and kyle i dont even want to speak about kyle. sometimes, he makes my life miserable. but not always. and yes, i'd love to not live with him. it'll be a happy day when i move out.
why do i feel like i have no control of my life? i wake up, go to school, go to work, clean the house, do my homework and go to bed, and press repeat. i goto church on church days (if im not working) i volunteer, i offer my help, i often dont say no. i avoid things, and then stress about them, i skip class and then beat myself up about it.
i don't know what i want, i don't know how to fix it, i don't know what can make it better, i don't know if this is it. all i know is i'm not happy, and i'm also not depressed. so what am i?
maybe i was looking for answers at the doctors, maybe i'm actually crying out for some help, for something to be wrong and for it to not just be me. i'm begging for more to life than this.
help me.
and life? i have no control of mine, it controls me at this point.
and love? it comes and goes. i'm not sure how i feel on that one.
i lost it today, bawled my eyes out the 15 minute drive home from my dads.
usually i dont know why i cry, but this time it was a mass amt of things, from upsetting my dad and chicky by a 'joke' that kind of wasnt a joke, to talking about my finances and my happiness and where i'm going in life and agh.
no one thinks my husband is mature. he's a boy. he does stupid things, it does NOT mean he doesnt work his butt off to provide the two of us a house to live in with amenities most newlyweds 'dont have' ie "luxuries" like internet. he works his butt off. he shouldnt have to work at home to. however he should realize i cant do everything and he needs to carry SOME responsibility, i have no problem keeping inside the home clean, but he has got to help with outside work and heavy/hard work that i can't do
and kyle i dont even want to speak about kyle. sometimes, he makes my life miserable. but not always. and yes, i'd love to not live with him. it'll be a happy day when i move out.
why do i feel like i have no control of my life? i wake up, go to school, go to work, clean the house, do my homework and go to bed, and press repeat. i goto church on church days (if im not working) i volunteer, i offer my help, i often dont say no. i avoid things, and then stress about them, i skip class and then beat myself up about it.
i don't know what i want, i don't know how to fix it, i don't know what can make it better, i don't know if this is it. all i know is i'm not happy, and i'm also not depressed. so what am i?
maybe i was looking for answers at the doctors, maybe i'm actually crying out for some help, for something to be wrong and for it to not just be me. i'm begging for more to life than this.
help me.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
so, christmas is ok, but santa can be confused with jesus. you just need to have the right focus on christmas. i'm going to guess easter is the same way with the bunny. oh how this ruins my childhood.
bleck. i don't know how i feel about this. i almost want to stand against it all because i can, and i have before. but i see why you wouldn't have santa, and the easter bunny, but it also makes your kids need to grow up so much quicker, bc you can't allow them to go to school and tell other kids santa doesn't exist. so they need it to be explained to them and they need to understand that they don't talk about santas non-existence in school, or you'll have those parents mad at you. its such a lose lose situation. i get it all. it makes sense, i understand. but then you have hypocritical people saying they are against halloween and all it stands for, but watch harry potter movies. UM HELLLO!!! then theres the people who are so against it they won't let their own children dress up as princesses and superheros and go to your fellow neighbors house (with your supervision) and get candy because it represents evil.
seriously. it's not a problem with my self. it's a problem with the fact that i'm going to raise my own children one day, and these are some major issues i'll face.
time for some dinner before work.
bleck. i don't know how i feel about this. i almost want to stand against it all because i can, and i have before. but i see why you wouldn't have santa, and the easter bunny, but it also makes your kids need to grow up so much quicker, bc you can't allow them to go to school and tell other kids santa doesn't exist. so they need it to be explained to them and they need to understand that they don't talk about santas non-existence in school, or you'll have those parents mad at you. its such a lose lose situation. i get it all. it makes sense, i understand. but then you have hypocritical people saying they are against halloween and all it stands for, but watch harry potter movies. UM HELLLO!!! then theres the people who are so against it they won't let their own children dress up as princesses and superheros and go to your fellow neighbors house (with your supervision) and get candy because it represents evil.
seriously. it's not a problem with my self. it's a problem with the fact that i'm going to raise my own children one day, and these are some major issues i'll face.
time for some dinner before work.
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