i'm gone.

if i just write, and keep writing, i might be ok.
am i depressed? is this lack of energy, drive, motivation, etc depression? am i just lazy? can i fix it on my own? do i need to see a doctor?
why do i keep drinking soda? why can't i say i'm going to do something, and then actually do it?
Why don't i want to sleep with my husband? why dont i miss him much?
why am i asking so many questions? ugh. i need to regain control. or something like it.
at least i made it to sentences.
i wanna start weigh down.
i wanna have sex with my husband.
i wanna enjoy my free time.
i wanna get good grades in school.
i wanna have energy.
i wanna feel how i felt at the retreat
at my wedding when billy kissed me.
at myrtle beach with my husband.
at any good memory of my life.
i want to feel something. anything. all i do is sleep and do what i need to do.
LORD HELP ME. PLEASE. i don't know what to do, i feel lost and unworthy. i need guidance, i need assistance. i need help. i don't know how to ask for help.

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy =]

it's only april first... 15 pounds lost! God is wonderful.

On the other hand, i feel like i gave up on responsibility and, quite frankly, don't care to do anything about it.

it's nice, until i get slack for it...or am forced to do something...like work. must be nice to not have to work... last week i worked non-stop! bleck. needless to say...

i have to get back into the swing of things, whether i want to or not =[
time to ask God for some more help... i always need his help
He keeps doing such wonderful things for me though, like giving me the motivation to make my phone calls, to work on Avon a bit, and he's helping me not worry about my money, it's all in his hands, so i really shouldn't stress about anything.

so my to do...
enjoy tonight
go to work friday morning
enjoy my friday night
work all day saturday
enjoy easter vacation for two days =]

i have to work on the enjoying part...so many little things i'd like to do, i just need to DO them.

oh, and i love my fiance...he's simply amazing <3

On the way to success!

weigh down.

feb 18. day one.
mar 18. -10 pounds.
TEN POUNDS! can you believe it?! i can't.

it's simple. it's easy. it CAN be done. thank the Lord.
honestly, it's all Him. He is the one. God made our bodies to know what to eat and when. We crave for a reason. Our tummy grumbles for a reason. forget these man made rules to eat 3 meals, 2 snacks, no carbs no salt. Your body was "fearfully and wonderfully" made to tell you what you need.

exercise? not bad. Eating healthy foods? also not bad. But you must eat only when hungry. the body stores excess fat and needs to use up that energy!

ah. love.

AH. blogs.

nvm.

so um yeah, about that....

AH, totally even forgot about thinking about dieting, haha.
Been working on my room, getting over a sinus infection, and starting a new semester, busy busy!

things are calming down however, and we're starting to make more 'meals' at home, instead of grabbing something quick and running around like crazy.
another thing that should help me is the fact that i'm BROKE. no way i can grab some taco bell when i have no money...
OH, and since my room is done, i can work out if i want, without having everyone watching me, which is super awkward.

i'm brainstorming, don't mind me...

PB and J rocks, and i got wheat bread. bam.
wraps are also a good idea, we have those.
i got english muffins for pizzas again =]
bananas. pears. apples.
actual dinnners, yay!

NO SODA! gah. water, and sugary juices are better than that! lol

eggs and pb. woot. cereal in the AM. trix arent just for kids <3

exercise? oh yea.
pilates
walks
tension band
Wii
Tae Bo
hm...that's 5 days....i like it.

weight loss...yea right

so, im bloated and pmsing and feel like shit. OH. right, i'm pmsing, maybe i should apologize to the boyfriend...

needless to say bloating=weight gain. poo.

and i had pizza hut today, YUM!
i was however proud of myself for not buying the donuts and oreos i had in my cart =]
little steps, little steps.

and with the self's tip a day- eat veggies (nope sorry) eat fish (yuck)
so i'm deff not doing so well with that...the blogging may be helping though.

i really need to lay off the soda.

maybe not as good as i thought.

I missed two days. they were two busy days though! we're remodeling my room, amongst going to church and visiting friends/family.

the milk tip-had OJ instead, we were out of milk.
taking time to eat? yep. well, sort of. lunch and dinner were enjoyed slowly, breakfast was in the car on the way to church, maybe i'll work on that tip more today.

i'm not going to keep track of all i eat, it is way too much work to write it down, i will however keep a conscious idea of what i've eaten, make smarter choices... i really need to cut back on soda/eating out at restaurants.

hopefully more later =]